It has been a while since my last blog post… life has changed a bit since then. I wanted to share with you everything that has happened in our lives over the last two years, but I could not find the words. I sat down to type them just as I am doing now, and nothing would happen. I would stare blankly at the screen, my heart and mind incapable of typing the words needed.
I am not going to rehash it all… friends of mine know the story. I began reading A.W. Tozer’s “In Pursuit of God” last night. It has been sitting on my Kindle for a long time now. The title and author kept pulling me in, but I kept ignoring that voice. I kept telling myself I would find time later to read it, but I did not. Until yesterday.
All I have completed thus far is the first chapter, but there are a lot of Christians today with all of the answers, without knowing any of the questions. This hits home with me since my graduation from NNU last weekend. As a Christian Ministry student, I had many professors and fellow students asking me what I was going to do; asking me if I am in a church, leading a ministry, or working in ministry in some way. I have not been in active ministry over the last year. The closer I got to graduation, the less interested people had in me actually being a part of ministry. I am not sure why this is the case, but it is the truth for me.
It seems as though everyone expects me to have all the answers, when in truth the more I learned during my college experience, the more questions I had. I became acutely aware of how little I personally know God, rather than knowing all the “right things” about Him. Tozer states it this way, “How tragic that we in this dark day have had our seeking done for us by our teachers. Everything is made to center upon the initial act of “accepting” Christ (a term, incidentally, which is not found in the Bible) and we are not expected thereafter to crave any further revelation of God to our souls. We have been snared in the coils of spurious logic which insists that if we have found Him we need no more seek Him.”
When did I start to think I knew all the answers? When did I begin believing that once I “accepted Jesus” the search ended, the mystery left, and the journey was done? How many Christian’s spiritual lives wither and die at this “acceptance,” because their seeds have been planted, yet no one continues to water?
How many Christians think (myself included) that because we have the Bible, there is no more to learn from God?
When did I lose my desire to know and be known by God?
Over the last year I begged God to step in and fix all the problems, help me move on to a new life, and get my family back to where we began. But we cannot turn back. We can only move forward. I need to stop asking God to move in my life, and begin asking Him to let me know Him more. Instead of seeking more from Him, I need to begin seeking His heart, His mind, and His love to fulfill the places that have been hollowed out in my heart.