I am still becoming the woman God wants me to be. I think there are times that everyone looks at me, the youth pastor’s wife, and thinks I am all perfect and petrified. I have areas of my life together, but there are still ways I mess up on a daily basis. One particular instance comes to mind from last week when I reacted to criticism exactly like my father, which is not a good way to react. I am not going to share the details, but realizing how I had reacted directly after I had done it was a humiliating experience, to say the least.
It seems as though when I feel that things are going well and I have it together, past problems, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities spring up inside me. I may not have done or reacted like that in months, yet somehow it just happens out of nowhere. It’s frustrating, humiliating, and completely annoying. It does not help that it happens more often when I am feeling yucky or sick, and then it just seems like I tend to use a million excuses to make the responsibility anyone’s but mine, which is the worst part of it all.
I am working hard to take responsibility for my faults and problems, while taking them to Christ so that He can help me change them. It takes prayer, scripture, and the continual ability to say I am sorry whenever the snake that is sin turns its head in my direction.
Thankfully, I believe that there is hope in these situations. Just as Paul comments in Romans 7:15, “I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate,” (NLT). I realize that what I want to do is not as powerful as what happens. But with Christ, I know that there is hope that one day this power will have no place in my life.
As I continue to look forward to that day, there is a simple remedy to when I realize that this happens. That remedy is to just be willing to say I am sorry, when it happens, and to be willing to go to another person in humility. It is a difficult, embarrassing thing to do, but it is absolutely freeing. Once that apology happens, I can let that incident go in my head and heart, and know that I did what Christ asks me to do.
I think more Christians need to learn how to fess up to their faults in every way, and simply ask for forgiveness. We cannot pretend to be perfect any more than we can pretend to be walruses… people are going to see that it’s just an act.